COMMUNICATION: TOPICS AND STRATEGIES
+ Effective communication
Sometimes it can feel as though you are always fighting, arguing or disagreeing with a young person. This can be frustrating for both of you.
Learning ways to deal with and reduce conflict, and asking for change can be very useful in helping a young person to address drug and alcohol issues and be able to utilise the strengths and support of their in their family.
Here are some useful tips for effective communication:
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Even if we are good communicators in other situations, our skills often go out the window in conflict situations. Also, we can be great with other people but because of the strong emotions involved we can struggle to stay calm when we communicate with our own young people.
Choose a good time to talk
Trying to talk to someone when you or they are already upset is not a great idea. We don’t communicate well when we are experiencing really strong emotions. Choose a time when you are both calm and when there is time to listen to each other properly.
Be aware of your body language
Not all communication is about the words you use or your tone. Gentle tone, soft eye contact and a relaxed body posture promote a relaxed interaction.
Plan what you are going to say
Practice what you want to say and how you will say it.
Use statements that include an understanding statement, a partial responsibility statement, and an offer of help.
- An understanding statement – means you understand the needs of the young person.
- A partial responsibility statement – indicates you are willing to accept at least part of the responsibility for creating and / or solving the problem.
- An offer of help – which is a direct offer of something that you can do to help solve the problem.
An example of how these types of statements are used is:
“I understand you want to spend more time with your friend Danny and I know I hardly let you go out with him because I am worried he drinks too much. If I speak to Danny’s mum to make sure she’s around maybe you can catch up with him on Thursday night”.
When these forms of statement are used, a young person is more likely to feel that their issues and concerns are understood, and then they are more likely to listen and be open to considering your request. Even disagreement can strengthen a relationship if a young person sees you understand their point of view.
Be prepared for disagreement
Disagreement doesn’t need to mean conflict or that communication was poor. Even disagreement can strengthen a relationship if a young person sees you understand their point of view.
We also suggest you access the resource "Strong Bonds", developed by the Jesuit Social Services.
+ How can I talk to my children about drugs and alcohol?
It is likely that your young person has had exposure to drug and/or alcohol in some way – whether through friends, movies, books, or online.
They have also probably started to form their own opinions and attitudes towards drugs and/or alcohol.
Adolescence can be a tricky time when it comes to navigating communication but it is important to encourage open and honest conversations about all kinds of topics, including drugs and alcohol.
Some ways that you can make sure you stay relevant and credible is to:
Be informed
Be truthful, don’t rely on myths, horror stories or fear tactics. Do your research and know the facts.
Avoid scare tactics
Exaggerating the harms that can be caused by drugs and alcohol will likely cost you some trust with your young person. Non-judgemental and informed communication is the most effective strategy.
Be willing to listen
Give your young person the chance to share their thoughts on the topic. Ask questions and listen to their responses without interrupting or disagreeing. Responding in a calm and respectful way will help keep the lines of communication continuing. Remember, this is a conversation not a lecture.
Tell them where you stand
Be clear with your young person about you beliefs about drugs and alcohol. Letting them know where you stand helps you to set boundaries they can understand (even if they don’t agree). It can also help to explain the consequences if boundaries are ignored or overstepped – in fact doing this when you are both calm is a great time.
+ Communicating your concerns about drug and alcohol use
Talking to a young person about your belief that they are using drugs or that their use is a problem is a very hard conversation to have.
These discussions will be easier if you practice effective communication skills and if you are already comfortable talking to a young person about drugs in general. See the ADF for advice on talking to young people about drugs.
Here are some tips to help you have the conversation:
Plan the time to talk
Things probably won’t go well if you are angry or upset. Similarly if a young person is substance affected it’s probably not the best time to raise your concerns.
Practice what you want to say
Think about what you want to say in advance and practice it.
Don’t be too directive
At this stage try to avoid being too directive – for example telling them they need to stop or get help. This approach is likely to create barriers to your young person seeking help and support. Reactive ultimatums are not generally useful either, however limits and consequences are important and should be discussed at the right times.
Think about the setting and the tone
It is likely that your young person won’t want to tell you if they are using drugs or experiencing problems. Unfortunately many young people feel a sense of shame. Therefore bringing up this subject is likely to make a young person feel anxious, trapped or threatened.
The flight or fight response in a young person could be triggered meaning they may either shut down and not talk or get angry and defensive. To limit this, pay attention to where and how you talk to a young person. Choose somewhere the young person feels safe and comfortable, make sure your tone and body language are open and warm.
Remain calm and supportive
Instead of jumping to blaming or accusing statements try to stay calm and base the conversation on your concern and want to support them.
Be prepared that it may take time
Even if a young person doesn’t admit to using or having a problem or finds this type of conversation too difficult, experiencing effective communication and your attempts to support will increase the likelihood that they will eventually be able to talk honestly with you.
Watch this video to help you communicate your concerns to a young person about drugs for the first time. If you've tried in the past to raise your concerns and your young person doesn’t want to talk about their drug use, this video gives practical information on what you can do.
Was this helpful? We also recommend this comprehensive information about communication from Jesuit Social Services.
+ Limits and consequences
Limits and consequences for behaviours, including drug and alcohol use, are important and necessary for young people and for a healthy family life.
Here are some strategies for developing useful, consistent and enforceable limits and consequences:
Create a set of expectations and limits
It is important to develop a clear set of ‘family rules’ about what is acceptable and what is not. Make sure you consider the personal needs of your young person, yourself and other family members.
Consult and negotiate
If there are expectations of your young person they are more likely to be effective it they agree to them. Negotiating the expectations can allow for compromise and an agreement to be reached, plus everyone has a change to have a say. Consider the age and circumstances relating to your young person as these factors will also have an influence.
Agree on consequences
Where there is a limit there should be a consequence if the limit is broken. A consequence is something that follows from a behaviour, and it doesn’t need to be thought of as a punishment. Consequences should start off not too restrictive but increase with restriction if limits continue to be broken.
Consequences also need to be realistic. So, the consequence of being kicked out of the house for using drugs for the first time is not productive or empowering, and is probably unrealistic. It is great if consequences can also be negotiated with the young person. Asking the young person to nominate consequences can be a productive strategy.
Be clear and consistent in applying limits and consequences Once limits and consequences have been agreed you really need to follow through with them. This is another reason why consequences that gradually step up for successive breaches are useful - they can make following through easier.
Review and renegotiate
Be prepared to continually review and renegotiate new limits as the young person matures. Allowing more freedom is a great way to show you noticed how a young person has respected previous limits.
Allowing space for young people to take on new challenges and grow are vital as young people mature.
Mistakes
We all make mistakes. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t! You will probably make mistakes in the limits or consequences you set. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It is great if you can acknowledge mistakes, and this can be important modelling for young people.
See the "Strong Bonds" information for families, developed by The Jesuit Social Services if you would like to read more.